I cannot find my penis.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
