Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize