The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
