Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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