first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
