PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize