Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
