when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
i need some magic done to my vagina
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
