I hate your face
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
