They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
