Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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