Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
