I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
