I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
