cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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