After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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