I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
