I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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