I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
