walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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