I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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