me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
