Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
