When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
