3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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