Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
