it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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