Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
