How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
