I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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