Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
