im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
