I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
