Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
