I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
