I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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