I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
