the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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