So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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