my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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