I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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