does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
