Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
