His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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