Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
