So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
she pinky promised me she was 18
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm at about main and main street
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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