If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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