you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
