just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
