Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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