Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
