; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
