i permit you to call me
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize