you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
